a few clean jokes

here goes these should be ok Grin

hope you havnt heard them before

A Guy goes to his doctor for his annual checkup and after the examination the doctor says, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you only have 2 weeks to live".
The guy replies, " Doc, there must be some mistake, I've never felt better in my life. There's gotta be something you can do!"
Doctor shakes his head No and says, "Sorry, cannot do a thing, it's incurable".
The guy is really shaken up and now pleading with the doctor, "Come On Doc, there has to something, anything, please, please help me!"
"OK, OK" the doctor says, "Go to a spa and take a one hour mud bath every day for two weeks"
The guy, now relieved, asks "And that will cure me?"
Doc says, "No, but it will get you used to dirt"

What's 30 foot long and smells of wee?
Old age pensioners line dancing.

This couple has been happily married for 50 years and its their aniversary, the guy says since we've been together such along time we may aswell come clean, then he asks have you ever cheated on me???

wife: ummm no

hus: are you absolutly sure? nothing can split us up now

wife: well, yeah.... Remeber that time you went to get a bank loan to start your business and you got turned down?

hus:yes,

wife: then the bank manager phoned up and said he approved your loan the next day?

hus: Wow! You did that for me? Is there anymore?

Wife: mmm yes, remember the time you got busted for speeding 30mph over the limit while drunk? and the judge let you off with a warning.

hus: Sweet, that was awsome of you, ..... there's gotta be another?

wife: Remember the time you were 153 votes short of becoming president of the golf club?

Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member. They ask him to tell his favorite hunting story, and he agrees.

Well, back in 1944 in Africa, the old man starts, we went big-game hunting. Didn`t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know the biggest lion I`ve ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this,RO-A-A-R-R-R! Well, I just crapped my pants.

The young men are amazed. One of them says, I don`t blame you. Id crap my pants too if a lion jumped at me like that!

The old man shakes his head and says, No, no, not then! just now when I said roar!

You heard they're putting estrogen in beer now? When you drink too much of it, you talk too much, make no sense, and don't know how to drive.